On Being an Ally at Home

I kept wanting to do something for the Carnival of Allies, but I couldn't think of something that hadn't been said better elsewhere. Then this came to me and it's a short little thing but I think it's important. It's also late, but better late than never. Maybe?

For those who don't normally read this blog, my domestic partner/girlfriend/significant other is Black and I'm white. This is usually not an issue for us; we live in a relatively liberal city and we got involved because we share a single culture--we're both fandom geeks. I like to think that the fact that I get just as pissed off about racism, particularly in our part of fandom, as she does, helps.

But, of course, I don't have the same experiences she does and there are days when she comes home and says "God, I really hate white people today."

And you know, what do you say to that?

Sure, set out like this in type, it would be easy enough for someone reading this to point and yell "zomg reverse racism!"* It would also be easy--and there was a time when I'd have done this--to get defensive and say "but I don't suck!"

But the thing is, there hasn't been a single instance when she's said it that I haven't listened to why she's upset and agreed that, wow, yeah, white people suck. And let me make it clear here: this isn't a case of me patting her on the head and indulging her rants because I love her--I save that for when she insists on loving the White Sox even though they're an AL team. It's always a case of white people being stupid and not getting it, or worse, being deliberately and maliciously racist.

And what can you say to that? How can you not look at white people being racist and not say, in that first flush of fury: "wow, white people suck, and I hate them?" After all, I'm a feminist and there are plenty of times when I see men acting like sexist pigs and assholes (OSBP anyone?), that I declare: "God, I hate men so much."

In the end, it's confidence that enables me to sit there and listen and agree. Confidence in myself--I may not be 100% enlightened, but I give it my all and I know that if I fuck it up, it's out of ignorance and growing up privileged, and that I can learn and do better next time. Confidence in our relationship--we're good and we love each other and that makes it a lot easier to keep from getting defensive.

And most of all, I have confidence in her--she's intelligent and knows that not every single white person everywhere is clueless idiot or a malicious racist. Furthermore, she's not passive-aggressive. If I've done something that pisses her off, she'll call me on it and not start bitching about white people in some attempt to get back at me because I didn't bother to make dinner or forgot to feed the cats.

Anger and hatred rarely solve anything, but I still think they have their place in the dialog. There will always be that moment when you can't do anything else but rage and not only does that moment act as a much needed pressure release, but it can give you strength to dive back into the fight one more goddamn time. So not only as an ally in a general sense, but as a partner in the individual sense, the best thing I can do to sit there and listen and remember that this isn't about me.

And in the end, there are so many situations where that's what being an ally is all about: remembering that it's not about you.

*And if you say that here? You'll be mocked soundly for the idiot you are. Just sayin'.